Trump 2020

Trump 2020:

Because I’d vote for Satan if he ran as a republican.

Because I’d vote for cancer if it ran as a republican.

Because I despise disabled reporters and stand by men who mock them.

Because I’m not suspicious of a man who sues to keep his taxes secret.

Because he comes off super sane on Twitter.

Because he’s the only one fighting for a border wall in Colorado.

Because just when you think he might be illiterate, he'll say something completely brilliant like, "I have the best words."

Because fool me once, shame on W, fool me 13,000 times (the number of lies he’s told in his first 1000 days) and I will defend him to the death on social media.

Because calling black NFL players “sons of bitches” isn’t racist.

Because his phrase “shit-hole countries” isn’t racist.

Because calling immigrants “animals” isn’t racist.

Because our only chance to be protected from Windmill cancer.

Because it’s totes adorbs that facebook amended its policy to let him lie in his campaign ads.

Because I can’t get enough of tax breaks for billionaires.

Because getting laughed at by other world leaders during his UN speech was actually a sign of respect.

Because I know in my heart Trump isn’t a Russian asset. (I mean yes, they rigged our election for Trump to win, but they did it because they want to make America great.)

Because, I used to hate him too, but he looks hot as fuck with an (R) after his name.

Because the Weather Channel is a notorious fake news outlet and Trump is willing to use Sharpies to fix their mistakes and nukes to disrupt hurricanes.

Because Trump’s 13,000 lies are greater than all of the fake news’ truths.

Because serial rapists are my favorite.

Because I want my campaign contribution to go directly to the payoff of porn stars.

Because stealing money from your own foundation is way better than helping kids with cancer.

Because I heart kids in cages.

Because the emoluments clause is what’s phony, not my president.

Because I hate American farmers.

Because our allies (the Kurds) can go fuck themselves.

Because he’s so smart he shut down the government for 35 days to not get funding for the wall that no one wants.

Because he’s a self-proclaimed very stable genius.

Because his wisdom is so great and so unmatched that he let Turkey and Russia have exactly what they wanted while fucking over the Kurds.

Because it’s long overdue for the villain in the Jack Ryan movies to win.

Because Obama tried to give us healthcare.

Because “but Obama” or “but Hillary” are better arguments than the most basic common sense.

Because he’s the chosen one. And when he said that out loud I didn’t think for a second that he’s actually bat shit crazy.

Because if you’re going to start a trade war, do it with the country that has a billion more people than us.

Because the only “me too” movement I care about is murdering journalists with bonesaws.

Because "grab them by the pussy" is my favorite bible verse. Deuteronomy 25:11-12. Seriously. Look it up.

Because I think it’s zero percent suspicious when he confiscates the translator notes after heart to hearts with his bff Putin.

Because I hate my kids, my kids’ kids and climate change.

Because Meryl Streep IS one of the most over-rated actresses.

Because calling Omarosa “a dog” is not beneath the office of the President of the United States.

Because Hamilton, the musical, is highly overrated (or so Trump hears).

Because insulting everyone who disagrees with him is behavior I want my kids to emulate.

Because I think it's great that the first lady’s anti-bullying campaign doesn’t apply to the president’s tweets. Name calling is the hallmark of a great leader.

Because calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahantas” is equal parts non-racist and fucking hilarious. I mean seriously, this guy is the Dane Cook/Michael Richards of presidents.

Because when someone calls Don Lemmon the “dumbest man on television”, I want them to lead the free world.

Because it’s about god damn time the president threatened to sue Saturday Night Live for mocking him.

Because Robert Deniro IS “a very low IQ individual.”

Because what the fuck would Puerto Ricans have done if he hadn’t thrown paper towels at them?

Because when you win a national championship, you deserve some lukewarm fast food.

Because Nordstrom should lose business when he tells the world that they treated his daughter unfairly.

Because FINALLY someone had the guts to tweet about Snoop Dogg’s “failing career.”

Because threatening nuclear war on Twitter is so not against their ts and cs.

Because raising kids who drop the word “loser” on the reg is the sign of a great parent.

Because why shouldn’t a former coal lobbyist be head of the EPA?

Because my math skills tell me to be amazed at the $400k presidential salary he gives up while ignoring the $340 MILLION that his golf trips have cost taxpayers.

Because why shouldn’t a billionaire who never went to public school nor has any education background be secretary of education? If she won’t fight for predatory student loan lenders, who will?

Because pardoning Sheriff Joe wasn’t racist.

Because “I’m not with her” no…not Hillary, you dummy, the 25 women who have credibly accused Trump of sexual misconduct.

Because, if you’re smart enough to bankrupt your casino, you’re smart enough to make America great.

Because, that movie “The Big Short” is fake news and it makes total sense to have Mnuchin be the secretary of Treasury.

Because Trump’s secretary of commerce Wilbur Ross and conflict of interest are a cute couple.

Because Elaine Chao should absolutely be able to use her position in Trump’s cabinet to make herself and husband Mitch money.

Because laws are soooo dumb. So dumb. Laws. Sad.

Because if your secretary of energy isn’t a climate change denier then you’re probably a socialist.

Because big oil is greater than human life.

Because checks and balances are for suckers.

Because remember when Abe Lincoln took to Twitter to call people “lowlifes”.

Because “this is the end of my presidency. I’m fucked” is just a trumpian colloquialism that roughly translates “witch hunt!!!!”

Because nothing says “make America great again” than the return of blatant racism. Very fine people “on both sides” in Charlottesville.

Because in the oval office trump put up a painting of Andrew Jackson, the trail of tears president. The native americans were savages and immigrants dreaming of a better life are animals. Duh. Hash tag not racist.

Because insulting dead war heroes like McCain is something I look for in my five time draft-dodging president.

Because I can read this entire list and still think “the Donald is my guy”.