I Love You To Pieces

Ahhhhh. So, I’m good at crying. I learned how to do it when I gave up organized religion and turned to therapy instead in 1997. But, with all the competing emotions of fear and shock and panic and maybe those aren’t even emotions…see…I didn’t know what to feel.

Until frank turner chose to do a fundraiser to support his crew who will be suffering a huge financial loss since frank is unable to tour in our present day corona stressed reality.

I cried. Ta da!

Frank’s words got to me. And it was such a fucking relief. To get some emotions out. it used to be so easy. This song lyric got me. That movie scene reduced me to tears. But, it’s like I’d been living in this state of pent up emotion that needed a release.

And it was frank’s words that got my tears live streaming.

His third song was “long live the queen” about his friend Lex who died. She said, “you’ll live to dance another day, it’s just now you’ll have to dance, for the two of us.” and it took me to a high school buddy whose wife is in cancer treatment. Cannot fucking imagine his reality. My troubles are nothing

This is all so fucking temporary. Our life. This situation. All of it. and our priorities are so fucked.

I wrote a blog after the last Frank Turner show I saw in LFK. And he tweeted a link to it to his thousands of followers. And people that I’ll never meet in real life responded and were touched.

That’s it. that’s where life matters. It’s the Almost Famous line that I over-quote “the only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.” Frank played a show that pulled on my heartstrings. I responded via this blog. He liked it enough to tweet it. and his fans liked my words too.

Mind fuck. Frank is a legend. I am a has been/never was. He writes from his heart. And in so doing touches people’s hearts. And that’s been the unexpected reality of this and the old blog (fuck it…I just linked all my old stuff, because it’s not the time to be filtering the real…if any of my past struggles can give people comfort or hope in the time of quarantine, I’m all for it).

my words matter. Not to the masses like frank’s do. But, to the few who inbox me. Who can relate. Or at least who can appreciate the struggle.

Present day reality..it’s a struggle…FOR FUCKING EVERYONE!!!!

I think of my friends who have spouses or parents in the medical field. What the fuck are we about to experience? Or my high school friend who posted about her husband overseas. He can’t tell her where he is due to the mission.

friends who have just spring breaked in Colorado. Friends who are immune compromised. Friends who have older parents who aren’t well.

The people I relate to most…my former way of life…servers and bartenders. Their income streams are impossibly fucked. So many industries are like that.

It’s scary as shit.

I was undone earlier today at the thought of my rock bottom. After I got kicked out of the house, I basically lived out of my car for 9 months. Moving from shitty hotel to shitty hotel. I couldn’t see the kids hardly at all.

And the impact of corona on my business will likely be impossible to weather. Am I going to be back to homelessness? Am I going to have to ask friend for business loans or hey girl, can I live in your basement for a bit?

The word one old therapist gave me was “re-traumatization”. That was about an ex-girlfriend helping me refeel childhood trauma with the way she treated me. Not ideal. But, I think today I was feeling that vibe. My lowest low…is it about to actually go lower? Is my business about to fail?

It was a pretty dark moment for me.

So, let’s go dark for a sec. I don’t think I’ve actually ever been suicidal. But, the away from the kids, kicked out of the house situation probably was such that I was on a path where if I hadn’t gotten therapy I might have gotten lost in my own head and considered ways out.

Hopefully not, but it literally takes one bad second and life is done. No do overs. And in that vein, I was struck with this idea that not only are we going to lose loved ones to Corona, but we are going to lose people we know, who give into the despair and depression and hopelessness that is imminent.

Frank played a song during his stream that goes “and on the worst days, when it feels like life weighs, 10,000 tons”. And I wept. Present reality is too much for me. The thought of disappointing the kids and being separated from them more, because my business goes under. 10,000 tons indeed.

But, then see…there are worse results. Frank played a song by Frightened Rabbit called “modern leper”. The line that got me was “you’re not ill. And I’m not dead. doesn’t that make us, the perfect pair.” The lead singer of Frightened Rabbit, Scott Hutchison, lost his life to suicide. And you could see Frank starting to lose it as he sang the song.

And I’m currently in a pool of tears at the thought of what if that had been my choice at rock bottom 2007? All these amazing moments I’ve gotten to share with my kids. All the brilliant conversations with my fellow fuck ups. All the “uncool” moments that were not something that any amount of money in the world could replace. I’ve lived an impossibly rich life.

I got to hang out with college roommates a few weeks ago. and the affection that they have for me is other worldly. They’re good Christians. I am not. But, they give me hope that there is a good Jesus. Not the one I grew up with. Not the fucking bullshit that organized religion for profit tries to pull off. But, legit grace. And legit kindness. And “whatever you do for the least of these brothers of mine.”

I hung out with them. And felt loved. And I really fucking miss that. I’ve kind of social distanced myself on purpose for the last 4 ish years, because if there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s picking the wrong girl to date. And when I do that, my kids suffer.

So I’ve resigned myself to working all the time to support them so that they don’t end up like me. I hate myself. I have constant thoughts of all the things I’ve fucked up or done wrong. And daddy issues. And I want my kids to feel that same affection and compassion that my college roommates made me feel.

They saw the best in me, even when it’s impossible for me to see. And I have another friend who is a god-damned saint. I email him all the time with lengthy…and I mean fucking lengthy…incoherent rants just trying to get my head to a good place. And every fucking time he resets me. He’s busy. He has a family of his own. But, he makes time to listen. And THAT is what should be the gold standard in this fucked up world instead of actual gold.

And holy fuck what I wouldn’t give to make sure my kids don’t have to send emails like I’ve sent when they’re my age. I want them to know that I adore them. And would do anything for them. And at the expense of my social life, I have been working behind the scenes just to make sure their lives go relatively smoothly.

And to that end, what doesn’t matter is that I get to stay in this rental house. What doesn’t matter is whether or not I have to live with friends for a bit. What does matter is that I can walk with the kids through this shit. And impress on them that the things that matter in this life are human beings not stuff and being real not insta-worthy and ensuring that they know that I don’t have my shit together or expect them to, but that I would give anything if they would let me help them walk through their shit.

It’s such a surreal and fucked up reality for them. Their mom lives in the prairie village, where it’s all country clubs and beautiful people. disclaimer…every single parent has been impossibly nice to me…no judgment whatsoever…but, typically what matters in that world is not what matters in my world.

I’m just trying to make it through another day man. There’s no thriving. There’s just surviving. And my heart goes out to all my old server and bartender and back of house restaurant friends who have had their financial realities turned upside down.

It’s fucking scary. But, we have to listen to the franks of the world. And express ourselves. And keep connected with the people who love us. and check on our loved ones. As frank says, “if you’ve got my back, I’ll go on”. Just knowing someone is in our corner is such a big deal.

I know I’ll be writing more in the coming days, so I’ll wrap it up with this. Frank used a line tonight that my therapist used with me one time. It was the phrase that my parents never made me feel, but I hope to god that my kids feel. “I love you to pieces.” Are you still reading? Cool. Know that. I love you to pieces. You’re beautiful. Look, I’m fucked. You’re fucked. But, we’ll get through this.

And contrary to the possibly negative vibe of this post, Frank's show was so full of hope. It's available to rewatch here... Frank 3/17 ...he starts a little after the 58 minute mark.