Polaroid Picture

“Because we won't all be here this time next year. So while you can take a picture of us.” Polaroid Picture by Frank Turner.

That song got me tonight as I was cleaning. Matt, you don’t clean. Look bitch, okay yes…actually…you’re right. I don’t do a lot of things. Like, for example…six weeks ago i didn’t do something called getting mad at pandemics, but times have changed.

And frank’s song made me realize that yet another reason that I’m mad at this invisible pandemic is because I usually get an indescribable feeling from writing about my normal mental problems. And I cannot seem to write myself out of this shit. The pandemic keeps growing and I really didn’t need my problems to be supersized. I could write all day, every day and the pandemic would still be winning and Trump would still be yelling, “I’m not the trauma. You’re the trauma.” at me and everyone else with a brain.

But, worse than my first world problem “oh poor me, I can’t write to keep myself sane” is seeing people I care about struggle. Everyone’s problems are magnified. And god…tears welled up instantly, not only as I heard Frank sing the lyric above, but especially when I heard him say, “but there was this one time…man there was this one time…when things were okay.”

We are not okay.

I actually wrote a blog about Marcellus from Pulp Fiction saying, “I’m pretty fucking far from okay.” That’s all of us right now. And that has to be okay…to not be okay. We can’t set regular life standards for ourselves during pandemic times.

Wow. I was just editing this and took a minute to reread that I’m pretty fucking far from okay blog. And it talked about a snapshot just like the polaroid picture frank sings about. Me and my kids on the pier in santa monica. That’s not real life. Real life is the 100s of blogs that I’ve written about my struggles to keep sane and stay real in an image conscious world.

And never could there be a more appropriate analogy. The president keeps showing us snapshots that are in absolute conflict with the actual facts. He’s that fake Christmas card from the family who is minutes away from divorce. “everything’s great…fake smile…lol…#blessed” I can’t relate to people who see the president’s response as okay. And I can’t relate to people who are saying they’re “fine” right now. We are pretty fucking far from fine.

And part of the why we’re not fine is frank’s “there was this one time.” I have so many great memories with so many great people. All these people I love. We have some baseline. And during this pandemic, it’s been amazing to reconnect with so many people from my past and let my mind drift peacefully back to happier memories. Because we know there were times that we were fine, we’re able to discern that our present reality is non-fine.

and it’s sad that I’ve taken myself to an anti-social state these last 3 and a half years and missed out on fine times with so many beautiful humans. And it’s sad that the memories we should be creating presently are being replaced by pure survival. Just continuing to breathe should be our new baseline. Because, the words “we won’t all be here this time next year” are more real than ever. Frank gets it.

So, take a polaroid picture. Right now. Take a snapshot of this moment with the people you’re quarantined with, but also take video calls with all the people you’ve cared about throughout the years. take the time to reconnect and reminisce. I spent hours the other night/morning watching old 80s videos that I wrote about on my 80s music blog. It took me back to a place other than this.

And when I thought that through. Why that feels so good…it’s because of the people I did life with at that time. People are what matters. There’s no “remember that one time” if we did it alone. So, we shouldn’t do a pandemic alone. We can still call each other. Or video chat. We can still reach out. we can still share laughs and tears. There are still memories to be had.

And the drinks and the hugs on the other side of this will be…well…I was going to say like sharing war stories, but that’s not fair to veterans. At the same time, we are in a legit battle against mental health. And we can think we’re alone or try to do it alone. But, that road leads to no memories.

So, let’s do this together. Oh…there it is…I write until something makes sense. All the times I’ve written have been great for me. But, what memories have I created? The things that are going to make us memories and keep us sane are the sharing our shit with someone else and having them relate and share their own shit. What does an Instagram like create? Jealousy on one side. And false self-worth on the other. But, a legit heart to heart conversation with another human that no one else sees is priceless.

Oh and also, in between those times, give yourself a break. I had to do that too just now. I was down on myself for only creating one sided blog memories, but I do create memories with this blog once someone else reaches out and says they related or it helped or they’re glad I do these. i do feel better when I write, but it feels best when it’s the catalyst to meaningful conversation with someone as broken hearted as me. And presently. I think that’s most of us.

So, let’s keep talking and fighting through this together. And we’ll look back and say “thank God I got to reconnect with this person…they helped me through a trauma.” We’ll forget the pain. We’ll remember the heart to hearts.

And I wish there was a way for me to transfer the heart of frank turner’s message into your soul. The man is gold. And no one listens to him. “we won’t all be here this time next year”. It’s not just my own mortality that I’m suddenly more aware of. It’s that I’ll be losing people I love, whether that’s to them moving on from this life or the pandemic sucking life out of them as they continue to breathe.

It’s driving us to madness. Emotions are heightened to levels that aren’t human. And all the overachievers are feeling bad, because they’re not breaking records. Stop. This isn’t breaking record time. It’s help each other survive time. And the rest of us who are used to just barely surviving are at greater risk too, because everything is heavier than usual.

But, that’s what keeps me going. I’ve been through shit. I battle my way out. and that can only happen with the help of other people. And now people that help me are struggling more than ever. And we need to band together all the more. So, I buckle down and resolve to survive. And share from the heart in an attempt to help other people get through. For example, I’m currently drinking a beer that expired in November 2018. I’ll let you know if that’s safe.

Life hurts. But, I get through it by writing it out. I heal and hopefully help other people who struggle feel like they’re not alone. But, truth is, it takes back and forth to actually heal. We need each other. sometimes my head is stuck thinking over here. My buddy has perspective that helps me look over there instead. just what i needed.

and what we need now is outside most of our peripheral vision, because this pandemic is next level. We shouldn’t know how to handle it. and we shouldn’t get down on ourselves when we’re having a hard time. We can’t comprehend what we’re going through. We’re inside it. our mental health is getting worse every day, because as the truth continues to get raped by our president, our minds get further fucked.

But, we have to remember that the fire fauci/protest the governor factions are tiny. Those that understand basic common sense and elementary science understand why we’re staying home. To say #firefauci is to say, “I’m so tired of doctors trying to save our lives. I only want to listen to the president who has zero credentials continue to lie to us.”

here’s how much of a natural at viruses Trump is...as Amy Siskind pointed out today: The US accounts for 4% of the world’s population. We have 32% of the worldwide coronavirus cases. And 24% of the worldwide deaths.

That’s the failure to end all failures, but Trump gets on TV every day to congratulate himself, not to empathize with the families who have lost loved ones.

In a time of crisis, we don’t need a leader who is running a pandemic for profit. We need a leader who has our back.

On the front end, trump downplayed the virus and was slow to roll out tests to make sure the economy kept going. On the back end, he’s encouraging protesters to “liberate” so that the economy gets up and running prematurely.

Those are both sides of the same Trump coin. Human beings are being sacrificed for profit.

We have never had enough tests, but as Laura Casey pointed out today, all the tests we do have are doing is diagnosing. What we need is track and trace. Where are they? How did they get it? who else is at risk? Was I exposed? Even those without symptoms should be tested if they were potentially exposed to make absolute sure that they don’t pass it to loved ones who wouldn’t be able to beat the virus.

Because of trump’s light test/economy first model, we have no fucking idea where the virus is. how many people who couldn’t get tested have it and have killed people? Again no idea.

Experts are saying that in order to even think about reopening the economy, we need at least 500,000 tests a day. almost 3 months into this, we are only doing about 150,000 a day in a country with 330M people.

The trump administration promised 27 million tests by the end of march. Let’s forget for a second that that number might have been helpful by the end of February, but even a 3/31 fulfillment of that promise would have been too little, too late. And fast forward to two days ago when the white house press secretary tweeted thanks to “Donald Trump’s leadership” they’ve conducted more than 4 million tests.

Self-congratulatory tweets about leadership for hitting 15% of the promise (that would have been woefully inadequate) 18 days late? and we still have people on his side as we die in mass and can’t survive financially?

Why is trump tweeting (against the law and against his own federal guidelines for when states can re-open) for protesters to liberate? Because he wants to reopen the economy (and subsequently kill more of us), but he wants it to be the people deciding that and not him.

And pause there to think for just a second about how it goes when people of color peacefully protest. That brings on armed law enforcement in full riot gear with tear gas, hoses and sometimes actual bullets to get them to disperse.

Armed white people not following state stay at home orders or social distancing guidelines? Not only do they get a pass, but they also get tweeted support from the commander in chief encouraging them to liberate.

If you’re black, you get tear gassed and beaten. If you’re white, the president is on your side.

And take it a step further. Say Obama used the word liberate to encourage armed gunmen protesting outside the white house. He’d have won himself a one way ticket to prison, but if #45 does the same, there is no consequence? Trying to incite civil war at the state level in the middle of heightened emotions during a pandemic?

That’s criminal. Not presidential.

This isn’t the time to be forcing division. It’s the time for the government to have our back. None of those people would need to be protesting if the government had handled this not in a “maybe I have a natural ability” way, but in a scientific way. In all likelihood, with the resources we could have used, the economy would be reopened already.

Okay. But, here we are. So, since the government fucked up, the only logical solution is to pay us to stay at home. And I don’t mean maybe $1200 once if you’re lucky. I mean…Pay all of our rent. And all of our bills. And feed us. We can keep local essential small businesses going if we have money, but we don’t have money. And healthcare. For god’s sakes. They’re passing out billions to big corporations, while health care continues to be non-guaranteed during a fucking pandemic.

As our nation is imploding, Trump still insists on taking a fake Instagram-y polaroid picture that says America is great. There is no system of weights and measures that could argue that. except one that is built on lies. Truth is America is not great. And pretty fucking far from okay. We’re all watching the small man being the curtain as he projects a false reality of the great and powerful Oz.

We are the greatest and most powerful nation in the history of the world being undone by a career con man and a virus. Polaroid picture me when this nightmare is over.